Authors, readers, Muggles and Squibs – take notice.
It is with remorseless pleasure that we, Gringotts Wizarding bank, inform you of the imminent foreclosure of your account.
Griphook has swept the corners of your vault, amassing the princely sum of three Galleons, fourteen Sickles and a frightened Pygmy Puff masquerading as a Knut. The Insolvency of your financial predicament, while giving us great delight, has led to the seizure of your archives effective in seven days.
Thereafter, the site known as Ashwinder will be renamed ‘Goblin’s Glory’, ceasing to feature Hermione Granger paired with anyone other than Skimpole, Manager of this esteemed financial institution.
Occlumency will be renamed ‘Accuracy’, and will be solely for stories featuring numeric correctness and the scintillating subject of calculating gross annual interest.
The Burrow will become ‘The Catacombs’. All existing stories that do not have Gringotts goblins as centric characters will be deleted.
Pureblood will be for fiction devoted only to goblins who can trace their lineage back to Alguff the Awful.
Wolfsbane will remain open as a Hunting Sanctuary. Silver is money, you know, even if the bullets are incredibly messy on recovery.
Lumos will be dedicated to the pairing of all goblins. Slash, three-ways, and femme-slash will be greatly appreciated.
Chaos is no more. Now that the goblins have control, everything is orderly and the trains WILL run on time!
All future stories will be written in gobbledegook. All existing stories must be translated. The writer is to bear the expense of translation spells, available exclusively at Gringotts branches worldwide.
Flashing advertisement banners will be displayed on every page. Pop-up ads will also be appearing periodically; the company supplying them is working now to thwart the nefarious Anti-Pop-Up Jinxes. Those who may be adversely affected by the colourful, bright banners (ie. Those with migraines, headaches, vision problems not corrected by spell, or seizure disorders) may wish not to return.
Because some writers complain about the waiting time, we will also be offering more select services. For every Galleon you pay, your story will more up a notch in the validation queue. Beta and editing services are available for a competitive fee. Heck, pay us enough and we'll write the damn thing for you!
Thank you for your many years of pitifully profitless custom. I shall be visiting your offices on the first of July to finalise these changes.
Eargit the third.
(This was written by Wartcap, an SH author, who wanted to help garner some donations while having some fun at it. Any donation is helpful and if you are interested in donating please view this page. Thank you everyone, and thank you, Wartcap. This was fun to read!)